You may or may not believe in 'depression' or 'anxiety' problems.. but I do. I realize sometimes things trigger depression and anxiety but most cases it's because there is a chemical imbalance in your brain/body that causes it. If it is a chemical imbalance, they have meds for that. I went to my PMC back in Sept 2010 for anxiety. I have had a few spells before actually going to the doctor over the span of about five years. When I started high school, it got pretty bad. I'm a self conscious person. I'm self conscious that I won't be good enough for people, my body doesn't look just right, my hair doesn't always do what I want it to do & I don't feel 'pretty' unless I fix my hair and put even just a little make up on. Even to this day, being married for 3 years to a nearly perfect man, I don't feel pretty without make up and having my hair down & fixed. As of late, I've been getting up at 430 in the morning just so I have enough time to take a shower and fix my hair.. so I look half way decent before I head off to work. Even if I don't use a little bit of make up.. I still feel a smidgen better about myself but not pretty or good enough. I envy girls who weigh what they're supposed to & can still fit into a size 10 or smaller, or even the girls who have natural beauty & perfect hair. I have to fix my hair or it'll be frizzy. Anywho.. I kind of put myself into denial about everything once I got married, which was right out of high school at the age of 18, & I didn't think I needed to fix myself up for my husband. That whole 'I gotta impress him still' stage only lasted for about a month. I'm not sure where it went? I know he likes when I get all 'pretty' and where nice things. I'm not used to doing that. I was raised on a softball field where ponytails, smeared mascara (if any) & tan lines were perfectly normal and acceptable. It was who I was; key word.. who I WAS. I'm not that person any more. I really wish I didn't go to such a small high school & that I was better at softball than I was so I could have got a scholarship.. I'd still be playing but then again I'm perfectly happy with being married..
The downside though is that it's time for me to do something for myself. I'm not even sure if I want to start college.. just thinking about all the money & stress that will go into it is stressing me out. We have two credit cards & a car payment along with everything else that comes with being married and being an adult.. I'm torn.. realllllllly bad. I don't even know where to start or what I want to go to school for. I know I want to go online, it would be easiest for me since I'm obviously a Navy wife. I'll be moving by the end of the year, I need something that will go where I go.
I hate when I think. When I think, I have a million things run through my mind at once. & this blog post probably makes no sense to anyone because I'm typing exactly what comes to my head and as fast as I can type.
Ugh. Help? :/